The Three Wise Men (INA’s Christmas Version)

by Isaac Newton Akah

So we be up in Naomi’s room and it’s going down. That Naomi girl, she bad as fcuk. Earlier, we smoking up in the yard as usual, and she hit this ‘Salem blunt and the damn shii hit the right spot in her fiery brain. So she say to us: Boys, free puna up in the air for y’all.

So we know shit is real as fcuk. Naomi say she goin’ acrobatic, so we hurry and line up in her room. I’m number three, not so bad; I’m aight. Naomi ain’t even lose her panties yet but I stay hard like bad situation in Nigeria. I bin smoking too damn much and my libido be all over the place, trending. But I’m aight.

But before we do shii, that boy Ezekiel, cray as fcuk, he out in the yard screaming; so we know Nineveh’s weed don ruin him. But he keep screaming, and Naomi say Ezzy voice be killing her mojo. So I rush to tell Ezzy to shut the fcuk up, ‘cos if I miss Naomi, Imma tear his asshole.

But Ezzy, he ain’t cray really. In fact, he sober as fcuk. So he say he coming from Bethlehem, say Joe and Mary son be born today. I ask him how he know. He say the story long like Abigail’s password. Abigail’s his cheating ex.

Anyway, I tell him: Tell me the damn story, you already ruined my mojo. So he say he took a stroll to Bethlehem to see Esther. Esther, the centurion’s daughter? Ezzy nod, yeah, that girl. 

This Ezzy, he cray as fcuk indeed. So Esther’s the girl her father say he preparing for the king, say he want her a virgin and graceful and all until the king’s ready for her hand. But Ezzy, he go through the back and tap that ass. Centurion man gon def kill Ezzy soon. But he don know how bad her daughter be loving that shii, calling Ezzy all the damn time and all.

Anyway, Ezzy say he tapping that ass bad when Centurion man return to the house, so he escape in the dark, naked as fcuk, and run into this lonely barn. So he in the barn panting and shii when he see Joe and Mary in a corner with a child. So he horrified as fcuk cos the child eyes be as yellow as damn. 

Yellow? But ain’t no child come into the damn world with yellow eyes and shii. Ezzy say, now you feel me? That’s why I feared like mad, and I tie up plantain leave on my waist and run like hell’s on my ass. So that’s why I bin screaming and all.

Now we decide we gon go see the new baby. It’s late, and the night be as cold like angry girlfriend; but we decide we gon go anyway. So we go, three of us: Ezzy, me and Bartholomew. Bart be grumbling cos Ezzy deprive him Naomi’s ass. So Ezzy give him foreign shisha from Lebanon to make up. Anyway, we go, wearing strange clothes cos Ezzy be damn afraid of Centurion man.

When we reach the barn, we see the baby. Oh wow! We know he special like damn. His face shine like the moon’s sitting in it. His eyes, yellow as fire, like he see through our soul. Like damn, we go on our knees and we bow. We take the good things we have, and we drop at his feet. Bart deliver a gold ring, me, Frankincense and Ezzy, myrrh. We don’t know where Ezzy got a damn myrrh from! That dude!

But Joe, he look at us with narrow eyes. I swear, that guy wise as hell. He say: Who are you? I say we from the East. He ask if we sure, cos we sorta look familiar like we from his hometown. 

I say: Joe, how you gon say I look familiar? That shii’s what we tell them girls in the street – you look familiar, baby. 

So Joe ask: You Lai Mohammed? I tell him I ain’t no friggin Lai Mohammed.

So Joe ask me again: If you ain’t familiar, how you know my name and all?

I knew I messed shit up, but Bart say quickly, the holy spirit’s making us wise and all. We wise men from the east.

So Joe nod. But that baby Yesus, he look at us like he know our lies. We know he know. We know he a very special boy.

— INA 

[PS: Merry Christmas]

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