My weird bible stories (1): God, Adam and John-Thomas

by Tayo Fasuan

“How are you, Adam?” God greeted Adam as he settled down beside him under one of the largest trees in Eden for their usual evening rendezvous. Adam grunted when responding, as he was busy looking down at the space between his legs, specifically his loins.

“What’s that? What are you looking at?” God was suddenly, as always, curious and interested in Adam’s demeanor and posture. He had been brooding and looking worried in recent days, and he was always looking lost in thought.


Adam, instead of replying, stood up slowly and turned around to face his Maker, and God finally saw what he was looking at.

“What in Eden was that?!” God asked, a bit spooked and amazed.

“You tell me. You created me”, Adam retorted in exasperation. “This usually happens at nights, and I had thought it was part of my sleeping routine. Now, it’s getting frequent during the days too.”

God was still looking at it with the curiosity of a physician trying to make a diagnosis. It looked huge and bigger than when He created it, and He knew he had to provide and answer or else Adam won’t let him leave or have peace with the perturbed look on his face.

Adam had actually been a patient man, and the most observant He had ever created, which is ironic since he was the only one He had created actually. His patience and meticulousness in naming almost all the animals in the Eden was incredible, and it reminded God of Himself so much that He always smiled whenever He thought about it.

But He couldn’t smile now, seeing the bewildering look on Adam’s face.

“Well…?” Adam’s voice broke into His train of thoughts. Yes. He was enormously impatient today. Just as He was about to tell Adam to relax so that they may find a ‘solution’ to this, a strange but oddly familiar sound emerged from the shrubs behind them.

They turned to look, and saw one of the strangest creatures that God created: a big, hairy, crocodile-like snake the size of a full-grown man, even though it usually crawled on all four limbs. Every time God saw this animal, He always frowned. He himself knew He had a strange sense of humour whenever He was creating animals, but this creature, and some others always made him wonder what exactly He was trying to prove creating them. He knew in His heart that when humans started mixing genes together later in the future, they would shock even Him with the end-products.

For some reasons, God and Adam focused on this animal, because they both somehow knew it would provide answers for them. Isn’t that the way He had made the affairs of this world? Most answers to questions of every single being are usually around them. He only hoped His creations would know that.

The creature they were both looking at was making a funny sound with its protruded mouth – pee, pee, pee – as if he was expecting a response that was missing. Before long, they heard another rustling in the nearby bushes, and a similar animal, with a somewhat different configuration, emerged. It had a similar body shape but with less hair on its body. And the protruded mouth was shorter and it had a slimmer tongue inside.

God knew this was the female of …wait. Adam hadn’t even named this creature, He thought with a frown, again.

The female creature headed straight towards the male, and they cuddled. And they noticed changes in the body structure and posture of the male. Of course, they had seen the mating of animals in the past, but not of this magnitude. The snake-like creature suddenly stood at full length on its hind legs, and they saw a similar appendage like Adam’s. They look at each other in amazement.

The male proceeded to mount the female and they started mating. Although this process is no more fascinating to both of them anymore, the sound these two creatures made however was. As the male humped away, it kept making the sound “Pee, pee, pee…”, and the female, with its mouth slightly opened and tongue out in pure pleasure, was interjecting that sound with its own strange sound “Niss, niss, niss…” in a continuous flow.

Adam, with his mouth opened and eyes in wonderment, turned to God and exclaimed “Pee-niss!”

And God, with an air of resignation on His face, realised it was time to make Adam a female. Not after what he had witnessed would he allow him to have peace of mind, especially after his discovery of…peeniss.

Now, how do I go about making a female for Adam? How would the creature look like? What have I gotten myself into now?

And God sighed.


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