My heart bleeds as I write this letter. I have never felt so lost and broken. Why didn’t you keep to your words? Why didn’t you fight this like you fought the others, my love? We talked about this and you promised you will fight to the end, but you never kept your promise. I know you have been through a lot and I know you never healed from your scars. But I promised you I’ll always be there no matter what, didn’t I?
After all the plans we had for tomorrow, after all the mountains we crushed together, and all the seen and unseen battles we fought and won together, you still chose death over me? After all my plea for you to look unto God the author and finisher of our faith, you still chose death. So suicide is your own Messiah? I have been staring at the door, hoping that you will walk through and tell me that it is all a dream. I will keep waiting for tomorrow to come and if in the end I don’t hear from you, then my heart will truly be broken into a million uneven pieces.
I hope the gates of heaven have been opened up for you, for though I bleed in pain, I can never wish you woe. I hope you finally find the peace you desperately sought.
As Tobe struggled through blurry eyes to rent out the anger and frustration he felt towards Zara in ink, he felt his heart ripped in shreds. He struggled to find the words to soothe his broken heart, but no matter how hard he tried, the pain wouldn’t go. Flashes of Zara’s gruesome figure floating in the bathtub with her eyes bulging out kept invading Tobe’s thoughts as tears trickled down his face, smearing the words on the written letter like raindrops on mud. Alas, he let the pen clatter to the ground as he let out a loud cry of anguish. Although the pain was still apparent, Tobe felt like a burden had been lifted off his shoulder; he felt a certain kind of peace within him as he drifted off to sleep.
He woke up a few hours later wondering where he was. He took a good look at the things around him and realized he had dozed off in the sitting room. He stood up and headed to the bathroom and for the first time since Zara’s death three days ago, he had a proper bathe and a clean shave. All the while, he kept on wondering how to break the news of Zara’s death to her family. Her father was barely recovering from the stroke he had suffered as a result of the news of his first son’s death. Tobe wondered how he was going to take the news of Zara’s death as well, for Zara had not just been his only daughter but also his favourite child. The worst part was that she had taken her own life.
Tobe took a good look of himself at the mirror, gave a nod of approval and then stepped out of the room with the sole intention of heading to the bar in the sitting room to have a taste of wine. The wine slid down his throat, its sour taste soothing his parched throat like a woman being caressed by her lover. He gulped down the last of the wine, stared at the empty glass as if by some magical power he could make it full again and then picked up his car keys instead.
He needed to leave the house to clear his head and also take in a breath of fresh air. A long drive was exactly what he needed and once he got back, he would have to put a call across to Zara’s family. As he stepped into the car, thoughts of beautiful memories of Zara and him cruising around town and having fun filled his head. He let out a sigh as he started the ignition. He prayed for God to give him the strength to move on; for Zara had chosen her path and he too had to do the same.
‘Dear Zara’ is in memory of Miss Adeleke Rachel Tioluwani a great talent whose life was cut short by suicide.
Though I never knew you, your death opened my eyes to the reality of life and the fact that a lot of people especially teenagers suffer from depression.
To all those suffering from depression, when it seems like the end is near, always remember that SUICIDE IS NOT AN OPTION.